my biggest obstacle

I feel like this is a common theme in our lives, but we've been so busy!  At the beginning of every month I look at the calendar and think, this month is jammed-packed and we'll be on the go every week until next month.. and then next month rolls around and I think the same thing!  I think I just need to accept that our life will always be busy!

I've wanted to write this blog for the past two weeks, but honestly didn't want to make it public.  My whole life I have been an overachiever and people pleaser.  The one thing that I want more than anything to overachieve at, I haven't been able to..  at least not long term.  I have always struggled with my weight.  In my mind, it defines who I am.  I'm either on a diet or at a point where I just don't care anymore.  I've tried various weight loss schemes and joined different plans throughout my teens and early adult life.  I typically always lose something, even if its just 8-10 pounds.  But I ALWAYS have gained it back.. plus some!  

I am currently at a point in my life where I have as much determination to lose this weight as I did to finish grad school after having to take a medical leave for my pregnancy, attend classes while needing to take "pumping breaks" and writing papers while soothing a screaming baby.. pretty determined.  What's different this time?  This time, I have a 2 year old son that depends on me.  I cannot allow him to grow up watching me be a horrible example for him in the kitchen.  I can't keep avoiding fun things like the bounce house because I'm afraid I'm too heavy.  Eventually, he's going to notice that other kids' parents are jumping in.. why is my mom not?  I NEED to do this for my son.  

Another reason I need to lose this weight.. I have baby fever like crazy!  While I lost all of my pregnancy weight pretty quickly (like within 2 weeks, thanks breastfeeding!), I've gained it back.  That's right, I weigh around the same now as I did when I had Montgomery.  For those of y'all that don't know me, that last sentence was extremely embarrassing and emotional for me to type.  I haven't taken care of myself in the least little bit since Montgomery was born and I've got to change that.  Anyways, back to the baby fever thing.  My pregnancy with Montgomery was horrible the first 3 months due to Hyperemesis (you can read more about that experience a few blog posts back), but the rest of my pregnancy was fairly normal.  I was pregnant during the heat of the summer, so I got to experience heat like I've never experienced and see my feet swell to a size I never thought was possible.  Everything else was normal, though...  

Except for the fact that was considered high risk because of my weight.  Almost every.single.appointment my doctor reminded me of my weight problem and how it could affect my baby.  Towards the end of my pregnancy I wanted to scream I KNOW THAT I AM FAT!  THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW!  While it was true that I couldn't exactly lose weight on purpose at 9 months pregnant, I think she simply wanted me to be aware of the health risks I was putting myself and possibly my baby through.  

While Montgomery was born healthy and beautiful, I want to have a different experience with my next pregnancy.  I don't want to have to buy plus sized-maternity clothes or hope that people know I'm pregnant too, not just fat.  I don't want to hear at every doctor's appointment that I am putting myself and child at risk.  I don't want to avoid maternity pictures like the plague because I am disgusted with how I look.  Most importantly though, I don't want to put my body through a pregnancy while I am this unhealthy.  I have a precious two year old who is snoozing away in the next room that I have to be there for.  I can't checkout for 9 months.  I have to change if I want to have another biological baby.  And so does Ben.  We both do.  We've made excuses for way too long.  Montgomery is watching everything we do.. I don't want him to grow up thinking its okay to get to this point.  It isn't.  

I've scheduled family pictures for next weekend.  I would cancel and reschedule, but they're supposed to double for Montgomery's 2 year pictures as well.  When I scheduled them months ago I thought I'd be at least 30 pounds lighter by now.  I've lost 4 pounds.. and that was just last week.  I'm tired of making excuses!  I'm changing right now.  If anything, these pictures can serve as a reminder!  While I know that our photographer will capture beautiful images, I can't help but dread seeing what I look like in them.  

My heart yearns for a second baby.. for a sibling for Montgomery.  He deserves to experience the joys that come along with having a brother or sister!  It breaks my heart that I can't just decide that next month we will start trying.. I guess I could, but it would be totally irresponsible.  I want our children to be close in age, but I also want to be healthy.. and I think at this point that health is more important than the number of years between my children.  

While this weekend has been a bust (concert, late night hospital visit, and church bonfire), I can't let it destroy the week of work I've already put into this journey! There are going to be date nights, busy weekends, and vacations.. There are going to be holidays and birthdays.. I can't avoid fast food and sweets for the rest of my life, but I can limit them.

While I'm not comfortable sharing what my current weight is, once I've reached my first mini goal I'll post a before and after picture.   Hopefully I can keep up a pretty good weight loss pace since I have so much to lose.  Its pretty intimidating and disheartening when I think about how far I need to go.. but I can only take it one day at a time.  And while I probably will not reach my overall goal before  we decide to try for a second baby, I know I will at least be halfway there!  Prayers are needed and appreciated!

-J